+ "i hate rab"
+ by lish
crank@ice.net
[ the scene: rabcon '00, at some dinky shop in some dinky town. the town
was voted upon in a seven-month escapade which involved an online voting
booth, an actual curtained voting booth, shannon larratt, many long
straws & one short straw, & a test-your-strength machine. gonzo is
standing outside the dinky shop, talking to babichele. ]
babichele: hehe
gonzo: can i give you cunnilingus? `8r)
[ enter geoffrey. he's carrying a glass of some golden fluid, & he's
smirking. he begins talking out loud to no one in particular. rebekah,
hearing his litany, cruises over. she is sitting in a la-z-boy recliner
that has somehow been modified for locomotion. ]
geoffrey: So I told her, if she can't stick her tongue out far enough for
the piercer to get the clamps on properly, she should recommend
that he simply cut out her tongue and sew it back on later. This
as well would most certainly make the piercing easier to align
vertically.
rebekah: Yes, I agree. Tell her to try http://www.cutyourtongueout.com,
http://www.scissors.com/~meat, http://www.myfatass.com,
http://...
[ bekah's patter fades into nothingness. bonita80 approaches & stands
jealously close to gonzo. chumley & abbie enter, holding one another's
ass. ]
bonita80: i'm still dating gonzo, you guys.
gonzo: she likes cunnilingus. `8r)
katester: [silence]
chumley: I work with instituitonalized kids, gonzo, and I dont see where
your comments have any bearing at all. You sound like a
sociopath. Cant you ever thing of anyone but yourself.
dawn: > i'm a psychloggist. i can tell he needs help like all of u
yttrx: FUCKING DIE, WHORE.
[ there is a pause. ]
abbie: [uncomfortable] that was weird.
[ another pause. ]
abbie: well.
[ bonita & gonzo exit the room. enter barry blanchard, ulf the viking
swede, & keith alexander of mab. ulf is plucking at the hairs on his arm
with some sort of mechanical device, & keith is wearing a lovely red
shift. ]
barry: anatometal is the best jewelry you can buy. it's implant
grade ASNTUH-4250X. it's very high quality.
ulf: My anatometal titanium barbell is rusty.
bury: bbl
rebekah: I don't see why everyone here can't be a little nicer to
each other.
keith: ***Perhaps you need a new medication to make you see us as
nicer.
bekah's meds: yes! take us! take us! we'll make you better!
chumley: Medicatons are given out far to readaly. People need to try
other methods of curing there problems first and resort too
medication after all other avenues have been taken.
yttrx: YEAH, IF YOU'D GET OFF YOUR FAT ASS ONCE IN A WHILE & DO
SOME EXERCISE YOU MIGHT NOT NEED THEM.
[ everyone looks around. abbie is nowhere to be seen. ]
[ enter nina, dymentian, & freakboi. keith stands up with a great yet
silent flourish & exits quickly. enter hermitkid, walking hand-in-hand
with toddb. ]
nina: Antihistamines are useful in the treatment of itching in some
dogs and cats. Used alone, about 15 to 25% of dogs will
respond to antihistamines. Used in combination with fatty acid
inhibitors, such as DermCaps, EFA-Z and Omega EFA capsules,
about 25 to 40% of dogs will respond, reducing scratching
behavior to acceptable levels.
nina: :-)
user198: i read this study that said 98% of people with tattoos are
ugly.
JSin: Server notified.
dymentian: hehe i was drunk while on irc yesterday :)
freakboi: we know. we had to deal with you.
ulf: you're too hairy, luis!! you need an igi'a!!
[ ulf attacks luis with the igi'a. ]
freakboi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
dymentian: did i mention i'm a satanist and i don't care about you?
baital: LaVeyan?
hermitkid: Do you guys wanna hear about the shit I took last night?
toddb: lavender will make youre ass heal closed w/no scarring no
mirgation
[ abbie runs screaming from around the corner & attacks todd bertrang with
a sharp rock. toddb goes down once & for all. his body explodes into
tiny rainbows & they float away with the breeze. exeunt hermitkid. enter
kevtor & gloriana. gloriana looks exactly like dawn. ]
kevtor: Please, please call me Punkin.
gloriana: im not dawn i swear
geoffrey: I make an obscene amount of money.
scamp: I make an obscene amount of money.
[ bonita80 & gonzo reenter the room, both with satisfied looks on their
faces. bonita80 begins flashing most of the dinky town's permanent
residents. one is stunned into abject horror & promptly turns to stone.
bonita80 smiles pleasantly. ]
bonita80: *flash*
gonzo: *stare*
rattle: I'm just making a cameo. You won't understand my appearance here
unless you've read the e'zine DTO.
scamp: I had a tattoo appointment the day before yesterday, one
yesterday; I had two today, I have three tomorrow, and one on
Saturday. Trevor is the absolute best.
ulf: I don't want to see your cooch, bonita. More hot gay guys, I
say!
syn: someone call?
fydo: Guys, I'm going to get a PA!
abacab: squonk. I made it with baital.
[ baital slugs abacab in the jaw. ]
heidi: yes! chalk one up to the Amazon Women Take Over Everything union!
heidi: *looking around* i really really want to try out my new genital
jewelry. any takers?
heidi: anyone?
[ enter lish. she doesn't stop walking as she passes through the crowd
outside the dinky tattoo shop. siddy follows her, paying rapt attention. ]
abbie: you're short.
lish: fuck you. i hate everyone here. i didn't come to this stupid
fucking munch thing anyway. fuck.
[ exeunt lish, scowling, siddy in tow. lobes enters. among other things,
there is a metal folding chair, a piece of sewer pipe, & a tv antenna
through her ears. ]
heidi: anyone?
rebekah: I'm having work done on my backpiece tomorrow afternoon. If
I can get out of my chair, that is. I haven't decided yet.
lobes: Thats great!!!!!!
alice cooper: OH GOD, I HATE IT, I HATE IT
john lennon: Which one is me?
heidi: LOOK AT ME!!! hehe
iscariot: Shut up.
melou: sorry :(
[ enter LadyJ & rave. rave is wearing vinyl pants & clutching a damp photo
of a dog. his makeup has run. ]
LadyJ: Where's Keith?
baital: I'm at 4% in three hundred hours! I'm going home to my REAL planet
soon!
keith: re
keith: hehe HI hiedi :D
heidi: Hello keeeeeeefyweeeeeeefie.
rave: i'm feeling suicidal today.
LadyJ: You'll feel better if you fuck me, Rave.
rave: i'll never feel better
[ zebby bankicks chumley from rabcon. geoffrey is mumbling something about
getting people fired. keith seems to have vanished. bekah is stuck in
the doorway. ]
[ if you look closely, you can see fifty-nine thousand, nine hundred &
sixty people hiding in the bushes, quietly observing. ]
would you believe people COMPLAINED that they weren't in the
first one? fine, i'll roast some more of you. sheesh. if you're not given a
part in this one, it's because either you've made no impact on me & i
don't remember you, or i have nothing mean / semi-witty to say about you.
you're all present, though. everyone not speaking is standing against the
wall looking uncomfortable. - lish
+ "i still hate rabcon"
+ by lish
crank@ice.net
[ the scene: rabcon '04. keith alexander has taken over & usurped voting
power as it's been four years & no one has found a way to decide
democratically. the event is thus located outside of modern american
bodyarts. we find rebekah the ubiquitous here. she long ago traded the
mechanical la-z-boy in for a car/queen-sized-bed hybrid - four posters,
dust ruffle & all - & controls it by twitching her eyebrows. she tries
not to move otherwise. ]
rebekah: The reason I don't move much is because my knee was
splattered in a car accident.
guy who hit her: That's right. I made Bekah fat.
[ at this, rebekah sort of zones out. her eyes attain an off cast & she
starts mumbling. abbie walks up to her, frowning & trying to breathe
through only his mouth. ]
rebekah: [chanting quietly] metacrawler, yahoo, altavista, hotbot, lycos,
infoseek, google, fido, fast search, netword, linkmaster,
keyword.com, search king, webcrawler, thunderstone...
abbie: This convention is stupid. Yttrx could have, and has, done this
and everything else far better.
abbie: Uh, Bekah? Why are you drooling like that?
[ keith approaches, wearing a tight, sleeveless, bottle-green silk dress &
black twenty-hole doc martens. elfie comes up right behind him, & is
caught staring at his ass. no one can really blame her, though. iniquity
joins them after a moment. she smells strongly of vanilla & is eating a
vanilla ice cream cone with vanilla sprinkles. ]
keith: You know, I DO sort of look like Sinbad!
iniquity: So, did everyone check out my portfolio? I swear, my camera
makes every piece look blown-out, but it's not true. I'm a
great tattooist. Really.
elfie: Anyone want an ElfFingerUpTheirButt[tm]?
iniquity: I do!
abbie: l3sb0n3z
keith: bring on the show! :D
XxadiexX: I am not a lesbian, dammit.
iniquity: Did I mention I'm an artist? And I never make blow-outs.
keith: blow THIS
[ rebekah is leaning off her bed-vehicle, chalking "101 Reasons Why I Love
Carrot Top" on the sidewalk. iscariot is watching with a look of
distaste on her face. ]
iscariot: [silently, on the inside] God, Bekah, I hate you. I hate you so
much. I don't have the guts to say this to your face, but one
day, one day I'll tell you how much I hate your fucking emails;
how I hate your do-goody attitude and your touchy-feely persona.
I hate you with every ounce of my being, but that's only enough
to tell everyone else about it. Never you, Bekah. Never you.
rebekah: [noticing iscariot] Hi, Judy! Do you want to go MUNCH with me?
:)
iscariot: Yeah, okay.
[ rebekah & iscariot motor off to the nearest taco bell. scamp shows up
dressed in a corset & leather pants, & is leading geoffrey by a leash
attached to his nipple rings. ]
scamp: Someone tighten my corset. Now.
[ the rabcon attendees look at one another, confused. ulf shrugs, walks
over to scamp & tightens the corset. scamp ties geoffrey's leash to a
tree & walks into MAB. she proceedes to fiddle with her earrings & then
touch every sterile surface in the building. keith stares, slackjawed,
at scamp's indiscretion. ]
keith: !?@!#
chef: I've been watching her, Keith. I can show you everything she
contaminated.
keith: [confused] I thought I wasn't talking to you.
scamp: Keith, this cheap soap you use isn't up to APP standards. And
these paper towels aren't good enough either. And this floor tile
is loose. And there are two specks of dust in the corner over
there. And I don't like this cabinet.
[ keith senses something amiss & walks over to scamp. his head turns into
a laser-doom-ray cannon & a searing red heat envelopes scamp's prone
body. the entire city of philadelphia is aghast. ]
keith: *ZZZZZZTTTSS!*
[ a loud snap is heard. the people in the shop see a spectre tear away
from scamp. she falls to the floor exhausted. witnesses later claim the
spectre looked *exactly* like anne greenblatt - right down to her
pompous expression & that stupid forehead dangle thing. ]
scamp: Oh my God, Keith, I'm... SO sorry! I... I don't know what
happened.
keith: sigh.
[ scamp limps outside & untethers geoff from the tree while keith sets to
boiling his shop in madacide. a similar snap & ghost-like presence is
reported by those outside MAB. dymention, never caught without alcohol,
hands geoff a tall glass of amber liquid. geoff eats some raw ramen with
the beverage & recovers within moments. ]
geoffrey: Thank God I've never been a scrawny, girl-faced dork boy with
bad hair and an out-of-place septum ring. I don't think I could
tolerate an entire life that way.
[ lobes & mo approach warily. among other things, there is a broken car
alarm, six dozen wire coat hangers, a small mailbox, & a twig through
lobes's ears. ]
lobes: you ppl are all 2 mean. im going to #bodyart2!!!
mo: i don't find this funny at all.
[ lobes & mo catch a bus to a parallel world where everyone is happy &
nice all the time. there's no sardonic humor or teasing, & everyone has
ops always. the entire world of #bodyart is banned from this place. ]
XkimX: so, anyone wanna sneak behind MAB and smoke a joint with me?
abbie: What, you've given up being s-X-fucking-stupid?
XkimX: DON'T FUCK WITH STRAIGHTEDGE!!!!!
[ enter oldfreak. he's got eight inch ebony plugs in his earlobes & is
wearing a three-piece suit from jcpenney's. rave crosses the street
towards the gathering. he looks jealously at keith's outfit. rebekah &
iscariot have returned from munching. ]
rave: i could look that good in a dress if only i weren't so fat
iscariot: You look anorexic, Rave. Shut up about your weight. Or lack
thereof.
rebekah: I understand you, Rave. There are drugs that can help you lose
weight. Here, I have some in my purse.
[ rebekah pulls a large suitcase out from under the comforter of her
bed-car. she pops the latches & begins distributing pills. ]
rebekah: I like the blue ones best. The make me feel the happiest.
rave: what are these little white ones?
rebekah: They're for when I want to get laid.
[ mistung walks up to the meeting. she immediately walks away. ]
barry: FUCK HER!
[ lish crashes onto the scene, riding dusty. she pulls out a length of
rope & lassos keith easily. keith goes down. lish hogties him (:16) &
tosses him across dusty's rump. they ride off into the horizon. fydo
walks up with heidi. bert follows them, zipper down & cock out. ]
scamp: Those were nice chaps.
fydo: Guys, I'm going to get a PA!
heidi: get a magik cross instead!
bert: yes, get a magik cross instead!
heidi: yes, a magik cross!
bert: a magik cross! a magik cross!
KEVIN COOK: Check my site under "crosses, magik."
corine: *We need someone with a magic cross to join our commune... :)
[ shannon larratt joins the party. his lobes are nearly big enough for
bert to step through. ]
bert: they are not.....I'm part of lmsgu!..grr.......
shannon: I caused a sixteen car pileup today. I was walking on the
I-76 overpass and all sixteen drivers looked up at once.
Fourteen of them were killed in the accident.
some_guy: i wrote u emale sharon did u get it??? pls send me porn
ok!!!!!!
dick: Eh? Er, wot? I dunno about them - they're blitzed wiv 'em!
The devil strike me black! 'Ot 'o 'th' ''!
*stephanie*: *insert stupid one-liner here*
[ a great fist rends the sky in twain & proceedes to crush the screaming
RABies one at a time between its mighty fingertips. ]
[ the end. for real this time. ]
...but one more thing before i go. a special bonus:
+ THINGS YOU WON'T HEAR IN THIS LIFETIME
+ by lish
rebekah: You know, I don't need drugs after all! I'm going to go take a
four-mile jog.
scamp: I don't recommend going to Trevor. His work isn't that great.
heidi: you're not welcome here.
dawn: i'm sorry. i was wrong.
golgotha: huh. I really don't like beer.
fydo: Guys, I got my PA today! :-)
katester: i fucking hate libraries. shitfuck.
jamshed: Ok, I admit it. I lied about the whole thing because I want him
to fuck me so much.
baital: i think this whole SETI thing is a crock.
lish: i'm in *love*!
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .